Radiation Day 27 – Milestones

Beam room music rundown:

  1. “The Space Between,” Dave Matthews Band – I think we know where I stand on this one.
  2. “I Go Blind,” Hootie and the Blowfish – Again, this is the dude brought to tears by the Miami Dolphins (as we’ve already been over).

Today was a day of milestones. Big R and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary (and 18th year together) and little R had his “moving up” (to first grade) ceremony. Under ordinary circumstances milestones like these are fun. They’re opportunities to look back and reflect on how far we’ve come, to flip through the wedding photo album, to watch old videos of little R as a toddler on our phones. And we did all those things today.

But, I was also unexpectedly overcome by sadness. Little R asked me to read him the card that his kindergarten teacher had written to him. It was a really nice, wonderful message that made it clear how much she loves having him in class, but I couldn’t get through the first two sentences without tearing up.

See, for me, now, the thing about milestones is that no matter how happy or joyous, I’m still left wondering how many more there will be. And, nothing makes me sadder than the possibility that I won’t be here with big R to help this little dude grow into a kind, thoughtful, generous, and all-around capable adult. In many ways that’s the most powerful motivation I have, but occasionally it also just makes me angry and sad. I suppose that’s to be expected.

Also if you’ve got an incurable grade IV cancer diagnosis, never, I repeat, never, listen to “Time After Time” with your six year-old. And, for the love of god, definitely don’t listen to the Iron and Wine version. Just sayin’.

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